(a true story of a city, foreign students, and adultery)
Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves as if they were
locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.
Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to
you now, because you would not be able to live them. And
the point is to live everything. Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually,
without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
Autumn turned to winter and we continued to grow closer.
Although, unlike most couples at the beginning of their
relationships, we actually kept up with our studies and
were making friends rather than closing ourselves off to
everyone else. There are many other wonderful stories of
school and church, and friends that I still miss today,
but those are better left for another time. After all, this
is a story about one girl and one boy...
We did grand things like going to Paris and the English
National Opera. We also did small things like cooking at
her apartment and finding new places to have coffee. I continued
to take her home everyday after school, after meeting with
our friends at our regular pub. Even if we set aside the
evening for ourselves, not meeting up with others, the ride
to her tube stop was the most intimate part of the day for
us.
We'd often be too tired to talk much during the ride. And
as she leaned against me, I knew from the little things
she did mention that she used that time to reflect, plan,
and just think. Ever since she packed that lunch for me,
I walked her home instead of saying goodnight in the station.
But because of the early hour that the trains shut down
and our committment to keep up with our studies, I didn't
ever stay very long.
But one Friday night, we just kept talking. We both knew
I missed the last train, so we settled in for the night.
As I sat on the floor, propped up against the wall, she
cleaned her room. She kept saying that she wanted to tell
me something, but would never go through with it. I told
her that it was all right and that when the time was right,
it would come out. After a dozen failed attempts, she asked
one more time, "Can I tell you something really important?"
"Of course," I answered for the thirteenth time.
"You're sure?"
"Yes."
"I'm married."
My heart began to choke me, swelling in my throat. Somehow,
I immediately knew she wasn't joking. After I stammered
something inaudible, she began to tell me everything. She
walked over to a box on her desk and pulled out a ring.
As she put on the ring, she told me her... and her husband's...
story.
She had married her ex-boyfriend so that he wouldn't have
to serve in the Korean army. She was an American citizen,
and as long as her boyfriend married an American, he wouldn't
have to return to Korea for military service.
She could tell that I was a little bit overwhelmed. She
tried to reassure me that everything was over with her husband.
I told her that I was all right, but I needed some time
to sort things out. She tried to get me to stay, but I decided
to leave and walk home.
By some miracle, I made my way home, drifting westward.
Thinking back, I don't recall anyone, not one person, being
out on the streets that night. I kept trying to rationalize
my relationship with her, that she truly wasn't with her
husband anymore. I wrestled with wanting to continue with
the relationship and the possibility of losing something
that could be "it."
It took me over an hour to walk home. I fell into my bed
around 4am and didn't get up until 5pm.
We spoke after church that weekend, and we both knew that
everything had changed. I simply said that I thought it
was best to officially end things with her husband first,
and that we would meet up again in New York.
We continued to see each other at school and church, but
it was clear that we were drifting apart. I never told her
secret to our friends, they just thought that we had cooled
off.
Before I left London, she started dating someone that I
heard she eventually moved to Korea with and married. Although
she didn't come out to my going away party, she showed up
at the airport for my send off. One of my friends yelled
my name as I walked through the gate to my plane. I looked
back, waved goodbye to everyone, and saw her for the last
time.
About JC
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